The cry of my heart

First of all, I must apologise for not having penned anything over the last two weeks. Basically (and yes, I do use the word ‘basically’ quite a lot) I’ve been trying to keep things together – busy like anything so that I don’t have to think about the reality that we are currently finding ourselves in and that I feel like I’m in prison for a crime that I didn’t commit. Yes, I do realise the medical necessity of having the lockdown on a cerebral level but, from a heart point of view, I still feel that I’ve been imprisoned for crimes that are not mine.

So why did I decide that today was a good day to start with this diary again?

Well, because of Mr Ramaphosa’s address last night. I listened to it and he was saying a lot. A lot of words which, I think were supposed to bring comfort and encouragement to people, but really to my mind he wasn’t saying much of value. My mind was crying out: “So does this mean that we are ‘imprisoned’ for the next three weeks?” “Because I have decided to live in a secure complex because I don’t want to be subjected to a home invasion – as my husband and I were in our previous accommodation – am I now not allowed to walk in the common property and am restricted to my postage-stamp-sized garden which I can’t walk on any way as the grass has grown too high and we don’t have a lawnmower because the complex gardeners – who have gone back home – usually take care of this?”

I know that this last sentence was quite long but you get my point.

It’s my birthday on Tuesday. For me, my birthday is an exceptionally special time of year. It’s a time where I get to celebrate me, look back at the year that was and the what I want to accomplish during the next year. This year, because we were ‘supposed’ to end lockdown on the 16th, I thought to myself: “OK, let’s treat my birthday as any ordinary day and defer the celebrations until the weekend.”

Now, I feel that I’m being denied that opportunity to celebrate me. I feel worthless and that I need to subsume myself for the ‘greater good’. Like I said previously, my head understands the theory of all of this but my heart is screaming out no. And, on top of this, I’ll be living out the rest of April with absolutely terrible-looking nails (I pride myself on having beautiful looking nails – I have since I was a little girl) because I can’t get to my nail salon as she is not allowed to trade.

This is what I’m feeling so please don’t lambaste me. Yes, I realise that my situation could be a lot worse – I could be living in a shack with 10 people. I am lucky that I live in a lovely warm house with hot running water, electricity and Internet. I have a husband who I adore passionately and he loves me equally as much. My mom, dad and sister are my rock. They are the people who love me unconditionally and will talk to me at 9 at night (like my mom did last night when I phoned her after I had listened to the Presidential Address) for hours on end. I am grateful for my amazing clients who have supported me and continue to support me.

Someone once told me that during this time, it’s extremely important to take time to check in with yourself and not to try and block out everything with work. Now, I realise the wisdom of their words. So, this long weekend, take some time out for yourself – even if it’s a half an hour. This is a marathon and not a sprint (which I realised last night) so make time for frequent water breaks.