You Are Not Defined by Your Past

Over the past few months, I’ve found myself reading the newsletters I once signed up for simply to access a free toolkit. What started as a quick exchange has turned into something more intentional — a quiet habit of paying attention to ideas.

One of the newsletters that caught my attention recently was written by Steven Bartlett, a global entrepreneur whose thinking I’ve long admired. In it, he references a scholar named Charles Hughes, who proposes an interesting idea: that between birth and the age of ten, we “download” a kind of base software.

This ‘software’, he suggests, equips us with the strategies we need to navigate our earliest environments — how we seek belonging, interpret safety, and pursue reward. In many ways, it echoes Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, where our early experiences shape how we understand the world.

According to Charles’ theory, while we can build on this foundational programming, we can never fully uninstall it.

And while I can appreciate the logic behind this idea, I find that I fundamentally disagree with it.

What We Inherit vs What We Choose

During my undergraduate studies, I minored in Linguistics, where I was introduced to the work of Noam Chomsky. Chomsky proposed the concept of Universal Grammar — the idea that humans are born with an innate framework for language.

This framework doesn’t determine which language we speak, but it enables us to acquire language rapidly based on our environment. It explains why children raised in multilingual households can absorb a number of different languages simultaneously, and why early exposure shapes fluency.

It is, in many ways, another version of the same argument: that our early years lay down a structure that influences how we engage with the world.

And yet — even here — there is something important to note.

Language may be shaped early, but it is not fixed forever. It evolves. It adapts. It can be relearned, refined, and even replaced.

Which raises a deeper question: if something as complex as language can shift over time, why would we assume that our identity cannot?

The Power of the Present Moment

A few years ago, I was given the opportunity to complete a life coaching and NLP (neuro-linguistic programming) course — an experience that has stayed with me far longer than I expected.

There is one principle from that work that continues to stand out:

The only moment you ever truly have control over is the present one.

Not your past.
Not your future.
Just now.

And within that moment, you are constantly making choices.

You can choose how to respond to a situation.
You can choose how to interpret what is happening around you.
You can choose whether to carry something forward — or to let it go.

Yes, your past exists. Yes, it has shaped you. But it does not have to define you.

Because every time you revisit it, you are making a decision: to reinforce it, or to release it.

And often, holding onto it does very little beyond reopening old narratives that no longer serve who you are becoming.

Why the Past Loses Its Power

You have no control over what has already happened. None.

You cannot rewrite it.
You cannot relive it.
You cannot undo it.

So the real question becomes: what are you gaining by letting it define your present?

More often than not, the answer is very little.

Because the past, when over-relied on, becomes less of a teacher and more of a weight — something that keeps you anchored to a version of yourself that no longer reflects who you are today.

The Illusion of the Future

If the past is fixed, the future is uncertain.

We often imagine it as something we can plan with precision — a path we choose and follow. But life rarely unfolds in straight lines.

It is far more like standing at a crossroads.

You may decide to take a particular path because it seems logical, safe, or even promising. But sometimes, despite your best intentions, something shifts. A door closes. A new direction appears. The path changes.

Not because you failed — but because the route was never fixed to begin with.

A Different Way to Think About It

Theories are useful. They help us understand patterns, behaviours, and tendencies.

But they are still just that — theories.

They are built on samples, interpretations, and frameworks that attempt to make sense of human experience. They are not absolute truths.

So while it may be true that your early years influence you, they do not imprison you.

You are not bound to a version of yourself that was shaped before you had the awareness to question it.

You are not limited to the ‘software’ you were given.

You are constantly updating, adapting, and evolving — whether you realise it or not.

You Are Not Defined by Your Past

You are defined by what you choose — here, now, in this moment.

Not by what happened.
Not by what could have been.
But by what you decide to do next.

And that is where your real power lies.